It's okay to stumble;
So someone recently told me that ‘The fear of not doing something is 10 times worse than actually doing it’ that I need to not worry about what you thought about me after this but instead embrace the fact that it could help someone else. Well, here I go. I have been trying to find the right words to say, to help those that may read it. So in all honesty this is going to be a little insight of who I was, its not who I am now but where I was before God made a huge change in my life. I apologize now if it is too wordy, but I know that as I am typing this God is directing my fingers in the way they should work. These are not my words these are God’s I am just a messenger.
When I was around 17 years old, my life in my eyes was horrible, I stayed at home, I didn’t have friends that I could hang out with it was just me. So one starts thinking about their life and where it is going, and at that point in my life I felt like it wasn’t going to go anywhere. I felt like I wasn’t liked that I was the outcast of school. I was bullied and harassed by a guy unmercifully. He would stalk my house he would follow me in stores, he would say horrible things and have others say just as bad if not worse things. I grew to hate myself after that.
I thought that if he saw me this way and his friends saw me this way well it really must be true. Now looking back I know that it was not the case. So in the midst all of this going on, I just couldn’t look at myself in the mirror. I avoided it at all cost. This period of my life I call the ‘Dark Ages’. That was when I decided to do something that I am not proud of, and that was self harm (cutting) I would find sharp objects to cut my arms and legs with just to have that quick release and when that was over I had to do it again once was never enough.
I then decided that the aspirin in my bathroom could help me and I proceeded to take quite a bit of that. I thought that I wouldn’t be missed. I was just a small speck in this world, that it didn’t matter if I was here or not. But before the effects of it took hold I threw up and was extremely sick, I guess it wasn’t my time to give up. So when that didn’t work, I went back to self –harm. This went on until I found out I was pregnant with my daughter.
You see God allows things to happen in your life to straighten you out, and she was mine. Now I am not going to lie to you even after she was born I still struggled with the idea of hurting myself again, but I resisted those temptations, which as you know when one thing is gone something else will come in its place and that was Anxiety. I would not wish anxiety attacks on anyone; they are the most horrible things to ever deal with. I remember at one point I had one so severe I thought I was having a stroke. After that, my speech was slurred a bit for a few months; I even went to the hospital for testing they couldn’t figure out what had happened.
I will like to say that things in my life started changing the attacks started to not be as frequent. Stress in ones life is a major trigger for the attacks. So I started to get rid of the stress, I eventually found my way back to church. That is the biggest stress reliever out there; it’s better than any self-help books, or any medication.
You see the devil wants us to listen to the lies of that we are not worth anything, that no one loves us or could ever love us. He is a LIAR; there is not one thing that he says that is true. He is only using your brain to fight against what the Lord has already told us in his word. Mental illnesses are such a horrible thing to have to live with; it is a constant battle going on inside of you. You see it wasn’t until I started to push the darkness aside that I heard the most wonderful sound, and that was the Lord telling me that he had plans for me and that I was going get through this period. He said that it wasn’t going to be easy that it is going to be hard but he was there every step of the way.
The bible tells us in many places that he can offer so much comfort in this middle of all of this turmoil and all you need to do is seek him and ask. One of my favorite comfort verses when the devil tries to get into my thoughts and when I feel down to where I am stuck, is found in Psalms 34: 17-18 and it says that “ The righteous cry out, and the Lord hears them; he delivers them from all their troubles. The LORD is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit.”
See I am not here telling you I am cured of my anxiety, but it is a lot less frequent. You see I have learned that there is hope out there; there is power in Jesus to overcome all of it. You see a song comes to my mind when I think about where I was and where I am now, and it’s by Dc Talk called ‘What if I stumble’ I will have the song posted along with this link. There is a part in the song that rings true of how I felt it goes
‘Father please forgive me for I can not compose
The fear that lives within me
Or the rate at which it grows
If struggle has a purpose
On the narrow road you've carved
Why do I dread my trespasses will leave a deadly scar?
Do they see the fear in my eyes?
Are they so revealing?
This time I cannot disguise
All the doubt I'm feeling’
But the best line in the song is this ‘I hear you whispering my name
"My love for you will never change”’
This is the most important thing that no matter where we wind up in this life, or how much mess you think that you have made, you are never to far gone from the hand of God. He doesn’t care about where you were; he cares about where you are going.
So even if you think you are going nowhere in this life, hold on because yes you are! God had plans for you! He has not given up on you so don’t give up on him and life. I hope my little story may have helped you realize that you are beautiful and you are amazing and nothing is worth you hurting yourself over. There is peace you are looking for; I know this because I have found it. So what if you stumble. So what if you fall, because guess what, with Jesus you will always get up.
If you feel like you need help, or you feel like you just need someone to talk to who understands, please feel free to message me. I am here, I will pray with you and talk to you. Don’t stumble and stay there, get up rise up and be who you are supposed to be!
-Nicole
